Satire Saturday: Linny Woodward and the Crankshaw redemption.
Where our hero finds Truth = Lies.
We here, at Satire on a Saturday, didn’t fully believe this election was 100% legitimate & honest until Thursday of this week. That was the moment, when House of Cards Republican Danny Crankshaw started attacking Lin Woodward.
Fortunately, Crankshaw reminded everyone that Lin Woodward was formerly some class of a wacko 1960s Democrat. This, it seems, explains why Lin is so vocal on the subject of election stealing and why House of Card Republicans like Crankshaw are so quiet. We reached out to Danny, a former Navy Seal (of approval), for further comment but he was busy shooting more campaign videos that involve jumping out of perfectly functional aeroplanes.
The campaign theme: Voters can take a run and jump. Or something like that.
Anyway, That was enough for me. If Danny Crankshaw has time to be jumping out of aeroplanes surely that means there is Zero chance of any impropriety in the US 2020 election cycle. Thank God for That!
I was starting to get worried, and whisper it, starting to believe that the over 2,000 sworn affidavits of voter fraud were true. I was starting to question why Crankshaw took 800,000 bucks from a Michael Bloomberg and Jeff Bezos funded “Super Pac” during his first political campaign, in his efforts to become a representative of the House of Cards in circa 2018.
Now though it makes perfect sense. Surely if we can’t trust a Washington Post backed candidate to stand up for the truth then who can we trust?
Linny Woodward ( a wacky 1960s democrat don’t forget) on the other hand is attacking the Washington Postman’s association. Mail-in voter fraud. Come on man!
Even Joe Biden’s ankle bracelet knows, that it’s perfectly normal for containers of 200,000 ballots to be driven around the country in trailers that then go missing in the middle of the night. Obviously, they get dispatched to where they are needed most and Democrats can’t possibly know the final destination until they know how much they are losing by. I mean what could be possibly questionable about that. There is a clear chain of custody there. Orphan ballots go to the state that need them most. When they need them most. And Everyone goes home happy at 10:30pm on election night. Well almost everybody but let’s not quibble.
As Joe Biden will attest, Linny doesn’t have a leg to stand on in his shower here. There was no mail-in voter fraud. Indeed, we reached out to House of Cards Senator & legal scholar, Ned Booze, but he is unavailable for comment. His voicemail advised us to read a copy of his latest fantasy novel “ One Vote Away from Cuba “
The other deranged idea that Linny Woodward is promoting is also a national security threat. He seems to be under the illusion that politicians outta be made work for peoples vote. That politicians answer to the people. CNN fact checkers have confirmed to me that this is both laughable and dangerous shower talk. Votes have always been kept far away from Voters. Preferably, as in the case of Georgia, in suitcases wedged under a table - housed in a closed down restaurant of your choice.
Linny Woodward is obviously a fraud. He wants every LEGAL VOTE to count. What kind of self respecting Banana Republic discards illegal votes?
I mean if we didn’t have illegal votes the whole House of Cards might fall and we certainly can’t have normal people walking around the halls of power bumping into statues and BLM supporters.
No, no, we can’t have the Linny Woodward’s and the Sidney Vowel’s of the world shedding light on the US electoral process. Crankshaw, quite rightly, has proposed legislation to remove ALL vowels from the electoral dictionary. Soon they will no longer exist and people can return to jumping out of aeroplanes where at least 1 in every 100 will be given a parachute.
In addition, the FBI have left no stone unturned in their exhaustive search for voter fraud. Every Church and small business in the country has been forensically examined and the verdict is in. They haven’t found a vote or a person anywhere.
Finally, former Director of the FBI, Jim Phoney, is nearing completion of his latest blockbuster that explains this whole sorry episode in US History. It will be taught to first year undergrads as part of his new tenured university career, as Professor of Truth in Columbia and other South American failed states in early 2021.
“ Why Postal votes ALWAYS count twice “ - can be ordered online January 21st 2021 and delivered to a federal prison near you.
As for Linny Woodward, well Linny needs to learn the hard way, there’s no parachute for truth in the Crankshaw redemption.